Every year in my clinical practice I hear complaints about the immense stress of the holiday season. Stressors include having to deal with family members, our fears about being judged, gossip, people being critical of food, our consumer economy and pressure to buy gifts, fears and worry about politics, and conversations we play out in our heads that may or may not ever even take place. And yet as soon as they come the holidays go away again, and we celebrate the new year and at least for a brief time refocus our intentions to improve our lives and create goals for ourselves. This year being notable that another decade has passed and so as we formulate new goals here are some thoughts to make 2020 and this present moment, wheverever you are in life, less stressful and more meaningful.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

-Wayne Dyer

Be more OPEN! Life is more fun when you are open to experience. Try something new, or cultivate an attitude of Beginner’s Mind and try to look at something like it is for the first time. Stop being closed, judgmental, and thinking you know how everything is supposed to be this way or that, or similarly that you know how other people think, feel, or will react about things. If you consider yourself a progressive have conversations with conservatives, libertarians, or others that may not hold the same views on life, you might learn something, and vice versa. People are so closed off nowadays hiding in our own echo chambers despite our connection with our electronic devices and social media.

Speaking of social media, be mindful of time spent on social media. Prolonged use leads to higher rates of depression and anxiety. Don’t believe me? Try spending a day or a weekend without social media and then use your own wisdom to check in and see how you feel. Or be mindful of the anxiety spent away from your device, there is learning either way.

LISTEN! I am convinced that if we actually listened to one another the world would be a better place. How often do you truly listen? I mean really listen, without judging or thinking about how ill-informed someone is, dismissing their opinion or minimizing them, or formulating your response while they are talking. Try listening more, whether it is to your partner, friend, co-worker that you like or don’t like. Be open and listen. Remember, most communication is non-verbal, so you will need to use your eyes skillfully to examine eyes and body language. One way to do this is to imagine an upside down triangle on a persons face that includes the persons eyes, nose, and mouth to see facial expressions, which often give a good amount of information. The eyes are windows to the soul.

Be PATIENT! With yourself and also with others. Patience is a form of wisdom in which we allow things to unfold in their own time. As someone who can be very impatient, impulsive, and quick to anger (I’m Irish) this is something I have to practice daily. Thankfully there are many opportunities to practice and since I live in the Baltimore/Washington Metro Area there is always crazy traffic. One practice: try letting someone in traffic in your lane, being both generous and patient vs. my default mode habit of trying to block them from sneaking over and getting in front of me and escalating aggressively.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.” – Marcus Tullius Cicero

Practice GRATITUDE! Living in this world is challenging. Our minds naturally skew negative and are always scanning for threats to our survival, so one must be intentional about seeing the good in people, events, and situations. Learning how to be thankful of not just the good but what we percieve as negative,such as failure, defeat, loss, heartache, etc. is a powerful skill. To forgive the past, make peace with the present, and be able to move forward in life as we never know what new delight awaits.

Be KIND! I recently visited Hampden Middle School in Baltimore City while accompanying Michael Desmond and Tim Morgan of The Travis Manion Foundation to teach mindfulness and the entire school community has made the effort to combat bullying by being kind to one another. Guess what? Turns out a ripple effect takes place when people treat each other kindly, it affects the mood, environment, and increases positive energy. It is a lot easier to learn when you are in a comfortable, kind, warm, and welcoming environment. It was a joy to see these young people with smiles and a good attitude, and to be honest, different than what I might have thought prior to the visit, which is why being open and non-judgmental is helpful and always a practice.

Have SELF-COMPASSION! Obviously not all moments are pleasant, positive, happy, or good. We face difficult moments, pain, failure, and challenges all the time. When this happens, and it will, you can counter it by cultivating self-compassion, which is most easily defined by meeting difficulty with kindness. A practice I often use as is actually one I learned in Bangladesh in my time with the Peace Corps and that is to place a hand or fist on the heart and to wish the attribute that is needed to meet the difficulty. For example, if I need to to something I may have some fear around then to place my hand on my heart and say silently to myself… “May I be brave,” … or “May I have the courage to… (fill in the blank).”

So take some time to reflect on these thoughts and then go write down your goals! However, the glitch in goals or mistake people often make while goal setting is that goals have to be SMART. Specific, Measureable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Based. After you write down some of you awesome intentions and goals for 2020 make a list of the Actions & Practices that can be done to get closer to hitting the goal.

Remember that with mindfulness we live in the power of the present moment. Each moment affords us the power to choose our response, so choose wisely. As the late spiritual teacher Ram Dass famously wrote about, “Be Here Now.”

Happy New Year and may your year be full of love, safety, good health, kindness, and joy!

One of the most common things I hear from clients in my clinical practice is the challenge of finding and sustaining motivation. It is a personal challenge as well. The sunshine can wax and wane and so our motivation is always ebbing and flowing. Sometimes motivation is intense, disciplined, and determined, other times it is something else, tired, exhausted, and lacking. When we are mindful of our present moment we are able to better monitor and self-assess various aspects of our being in the present moment, mood, thoughts, feelings, motivation, etc. Motivation is fueled by emotion.

Discover and know your Why! In learning how to cultivate motivation one has to consider their personal core values, attitudes, and beliefs about themselves and how they see life. In my mindfulness classes I usually share the idea that there is wisdom in silence, as often many are fearful of silence when they are alone and observing the thoughts and feelings in their mind. When one sits in silence in the still waters of mediation this is usually the space where valuable insights can originate. Awareness is key.

Cultivating MINDFULNESS increases AWARENESS, in which we can derive INSIGHT.

It is a place where we can be more free from the delusions of our thinking mind and ego. When these conditions are met whether through meditation or some other method of deliberate self observation, consideration, and reflection we can discover and explore the truth and essence about what inspires us and that we find meaningful in life. So if you have not already done so or maybe it has been some time check back in with yourself. What is your why? What inspires you? Who are you?

It is difficult to set a goal when you don’t know your why, or where you are going. Your why should be pleasant, positive, contain a healthy balance of emotions and be interesting and fun, otherwise you will procrastinate and find something better to distract yourself with. It is very important to know that your thoughts have energy. How you think about yourself, others, and the world around you matters a great deal.

Our military instills the valuable stoic philosophy to its officers to develop mental toughness and think optimistically, because failure inevitably happens. Failure itself is a temporary condition, event, phase, and one that can be responded to creatively when you realize you have a choice. This is mental toughness and separates winners from those that choose to acquiesce to failure and  give up. Other than a condition of death, there is no failure as I recently heard from Jocko Willink, a retired U.S. Navy SEAL and author of several books on leadership. Not everyone has an optimistic mindset to work with.

One does not need to look far when their favorite sports team gets behind in a big game. Take a look at this year’s Super Bowl winning Kansas City Chiefs, who won after coming from behind in each of their playoff games including the Super Bowl to secure the championship. If you watched the MVP of the Super Bowl, Patrick Mahomes, he looked cool and confident under pressure while playing in the biggest football game in the world. I would suggest he has an optimistic performance story. You can have a pessimistic performance story and perform at a high level when things are good, it is just that things may not always be good, competitive athletes will know this experience well. How do you talk to yourself when you get down? What does your inner critic say to you? It is usually not pretty and not very helpful. This is why it is important to develop an inner compassionate coach to counter the negativity and increase resilience.

Sounds simple enough but it has to be learned and practiced. When you take time to analyze your thoughts and feelings around setbacks you are better prepared to handle future challenges. A failure is temporary, and is simply an opportunity to learn. We all fail in life and face adversity, it is a defining feature of our common humanity.

When I lost a tournament or playoff as a competitive golfer I would be hot, furious, and full of anger. I did not always handle that well, and my best friend’s father, the late Don Kovarcik, who was the junior golf director at our country club, rightly pointed out to me while witnessing me tantrum and curse on the golf course that I was not helping myself or improving my game..

However, by channeling that frustration and anger in a more healthy way I eventually learned to utilize that energy to renew my focus on practicing and preparation, which was more productive. Heck just showing up at the range the next day was progress, it was one step closer. I did not acknowledge these wins to myself at the time but the process has been scientifically researched by Harvard Business School’s Dr. Teresa Amabile and Dr. Steven Kramer in their book The Progress Principle, which highlights how celebrating “small wins” consistently leads to improved creativity, performance, productivity, and better relationships.

One technique that I have found particularly helpful is HEAL from psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson in his book Hardwiring Happiness. It goes like this:

H– Have a positive experience. Yes, they actually happen, but you’ll need to notice them which is crucial.

E– Enrich it. When you have a pleasant event be aware of it, curious, enjoy it! Life is fun when you get out of your own way.

A– Absorb it. Put the cookie in your cookie jar as David Goggins might say. Acknowledge it. Let it sink in. Savor it.

L– Link positive and Negative Material. This can be a challenge but the intention is to link the pleasant experience, event, to other negative experiences that are already wired in your brain so that the next time something happens you have planted the memory of the pleasant experience, which is key. Since our minds are hardwired to constantly detect threats this does not come naturally. I missed the game winning shot in the past, however, I just hit the game winning shot today, so when the next pressure shot is needed the mind has both experiences implanted in the brain. Hence hard wired.

By using some of these strategies you can help fuel and sustain your motivation and boost your performance, and enjoyment living in the present moment, right now.